我给过你 我全部的爱 我给过你 我的心.. 可是你还是不要我了 你给我的 只有满脑子对你的思念 可是你知道么 我给过你的，给不了第二个人..。

this  few  days  ,  dont  know  why  i felt  unhappy  ..  i smile  i laugh  but  mom  says  got  something  hidden  in  that  smile  ..  i  ask  why  ??  i  dont  understand  ..  mom  said  ,  she can  see  the  pain  inside  my  heart  ..  the  pain  that  i  tried  to  hide  all  this  time  ..  the  pain  that  i  felt  but  i'm  not  dare  to  let  other  see  it  cause  i  scare  people  will  think  i'm  weak  ..  is  it   ??  i  dont  know  ..

today  i heard  a  news  from  you ..  you  will  get  married  in  this  year  ..  i  should  be  happy  right  ??  congratulations  ..  but  dont  know  why  i'm  not  happy  with  the  news  ..  i  felt  you've  lost  your  ways  ..  because  of  one  girls  ,  that  hurted  you  so  much  ,  in  one  days  you've  change  much  ..  i  couldnt  cry  ..  seriously  i  want  to  cry  but  i  cant  cry  out  ..  that  feeling  is  suffer  when  knowing  that  i  cant  cry  out  for  the  one  i  love  ..  you  said  you  lie  to  yourself  cause  you  thought  you two  have  a  chance  to  be  together  again  ..  but  i  feeling  the  same  too  ..  i  am  lying  to  myself  cause  i  thought  WE  can  do  it  ..  but  the  fact  is  NO  ..

you  asked  me  ,  do  i  happy  to  hear  the  news  ??  the  news  that  you  are  getting  married  ??  i  dont  know  ..  i  didnt  felt  shock  ,  i  didnt  felt  funny  ..  what  i  think  now  ,  what  i  felt  now  is  like  my  heart  being stabbed  by  a  knife  ..  it's  hurt  ,  to  know  that  my  hope  is  nothing  ,  to  know  that  i  am  nothing  inside  your  heart  ..  but  finally  i've  got  the  answer  ..  

but  i'm  happy  that  you've  think  me  as  a  friend  ..  i  am  glad  ..  that  you'd  like  to  share  your  happiness  and  sadness  with  me  ..  mom  said  ,  growing  to  become  an  adult  ,  to  become  a person  is  a journey  that  we could  never  forget  ..  i'm  happy  mom  always  beside  me  to  ask  me  be  tough  ,  to  hug  me  when  i  needed  to  be  hug  ..

but  as  a  friend  ,  a  friend  that  loving  you  ,  i  want  to say  congratulations  and  i  will  support  you  no  matter  what  kind  of  decision  you  made  ..  and  always  hope  you  the  best  ,  and  wishing  you  the  best  in  your  life  ..  i  know  i  dont  have  the  courage  to say  this  words  to  you  ,  but  no  matter  how  is  i  always  love  you  ..

IF YOU LEAVE ...

you still remember the songs called 'if you leave' ? =) well , that songs describing my feelings now.. lyrics phrase says " if you belive you'll do best without me , i'll let you go boy it's over but i have no doubt we can work it out.... " 

you want to end this relation but i didnt agree with that decision cause i believe we can made this relation.. we can hold this relation.. but i have to let you go , cause that shows my respect towards you.. =) hmm

phrase lyrics says " now if you wanna go baby then i'll let you go and even though i'm tryna hold on i can't let you go " 

you wanna go and give up this relation so i let you go cause i cant stop you.. even though i try to keep with your decision to let you go , but the fact my heart cant let you go.. =)

but just the opposite to our situation is the lyrics phrase " and if you're leave me you gonna miss me and i'm not saying that i'll be right here waiting .... " why i said this opposite our relation is because you leave me.. but i dont know either you'll miss me or not.. but for sure I'LL BE RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU .. hmm 

P/S : I LOVE YOU.. XOXO

thank you and i'm sorry ..

i made up my mind.. i will give up.. i will let you go.. i don't want to force myself or i don't want to force you.. i don't want to force anyone..

you made up your mind so its just depend on me to complete and finish the decision.. =) i will miss you.., i didn't denied that.. but.. when our mind denied about the truth sometimes it will come truth.. so when i denied that i miss you , then someday i will not gonna miss you again.. haha.. what a kids thinking ^^

thank you.. you've watch me grown up.. you've watch me from a young immature girls changes to be..well not 100% mature girls yet.. but you did watch me grown up.. =)

although the love you gave me just awhile but i do really appreciate it and i happy to be with you.. since that you said you still waited for her , so i will think the promise that we've made before..., are considered burn.. haha.. hmm..

just hope that i can let you go from my heart.. but for someone else to knock in and take your place , maybe not for now or neverr.. we didn't know about that.. we didn't know about the coming future..

i'm sorry.. cause i cant be a good girlfriend for you.. I'm sorry cause i didn't take good care of you.. even my mouth said that i hate you but actually I'm not..

we are under the same horoscope.. crabs ^^ ( cancer ) .. but i realise , age is still the main factor in this relations.. i will pray that what you waited for all this time will comes true soon.. i still remember you wants to be a successful person.. you want to have a bang low and then you want to married her.. ^^ hopes that will come true..

my aim?? i sure will continue it.. i still will to achieve it.. study hard, get a good result. good pointer have a good job and a nice life.. but the person that gonna go through all the journey with me, just maybe not you.. hmm..

you take care ba.. i will not gonna find you anymore.. and you will not hear from me either.. ME??? i will take care, i will move on this journey.. i still have a lot to do.. like you said , I'm still young.. ^^ im not suit you.. i want to say sorry for the unhappiness i gave you all this time..

p/s : good luck and take good care of yourself ^^ .. XOXO

一如感情, 痛过了, 才会懂得如何保护自己, 傻过了，才会懂得适时的坚持与放弃，在得到与失去中我们慢慢地认识自己....

当你说出了你想说的，做了你想做的之后，你会发现，天是那么蓝，自己是那么可爱。不是因为你得到了你想得到的，而是因为你是在为自己而活着。=)

i am still the last choices to be your partner >< whatever!! hmm

days.............................. ='(

day by days been past..the clock's still move rounds and rounds..but I..missing you a lot..i want to call you but i knew you wont be there for me..i miss you..miss your voices..but i kept denied..i kept telling myself that will just be awhile..hmm..there's nothing i want to do..to have just one more chance..to look into your eyes and see you looking back..i always think about you..how are you? are you fine? are you in a good health now? your condition? hmm ~~ wish that i can call you but.. all are impossible.. HAVE YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ME THIS FEW DAYS? I DONT KNOW.. one thing i know is your heart full of 'her' .. hmm.. i grown up well to accept the fact.. i dont want to put a hope on you anymore.. cause i know the end will be a sad ending.. :'(  one things that i should do now is ?????????????? ..................................

story.....

8th of january.. the date we know each other.. 1st of february..the date we declared to be together.. i didnt denied that i love you.. cause i am really love you now.. but..fate isn't belong to us now.. cause of you i changes.. cause of you i finally know how to be a better person.. hmm.. the first videos you've sent to me, saying i love you..is meant a lot to me.. the words 'bi'...is something to me.. i love you but i cant say it out now..until the day that we have no more contact, i still cant say out i love you.. 8th of april, 1:08 am.. is that date, is the time that we absolutely no more connection with each other.. no more relations with each other.. no more contact with each other.. i am sad, i am hurt, i am disappointed.. but i've heard what i suppose to hear from your mouth and i satisfied with the xplanation.. i understand.. huh............................... is it we have the second chance??? i dont know.. i dont even dare to think about that.. maybe no... i dont want think too much.. what i know now is we are no longer....................................... hmm good luck and take care.. dont worry me.. i know how to take care myself..hmm .... bye bye... awin ow... never thought that i will be so tough to handle this kind of feeling now.. you are the person that had change me a lot tenderly.. you make me know what i want to do in this life without wasting every second of it.. hmm =) .. i will go on with my aim.. just something missing in it.., is you.. i still will take you as the pusher to accomplish my aim.. either i still wait you or not, i dont know.. hmm.. just if you read this you will know how much you mean to me.. you are right.. now its not the time to think about nonsense things.. its not the time for me to think about love future things.. what i should do now is.. complete my study, get a good result, further my study and have a good life.. =) just what is lack in that dream is.......... hmm ^^ funny.. someday you were here beside me but then someday you'll gone.. but i will show to you.. not just a saying to lie me.. but i will show, i will prove that i will accomplish that mission, i will accomplish that aim.. im grown up.. year 18 is the new age, new stage for me to go through the life.. not the time to think about love.. hmm.. cry???? i couldnt cry anymore after last night.. maybe its because i know what i want to do.. move on??? sure i will move on.. hmm ^^ just for sure now, i still love you that feeling is still there.. and hope that feeling will last stand.. hmm.. hoping you in a good life is so much pleasure for me.. hope you will get what you waiting for all this time.. to get a happy life, happy family and hope.. you'll get your own good.. ^^ hmm..................







                                                               to be continued........................